What happens to the rest of your relationships when the one you have with yourself goes untended?
Dr. Thema Bryant is a clinical psychologist, tenured professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, director of the Culture and Trauma Research Laboratory, and former president of the American Psychological Association. She hosts The Homecoming Podcast and wrote Matters of the Heart: Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You Love.
Thema emphasizes that one of the biggest predictors of our mental wellbeing is not your achievement or your bank account. It is the people you spend your time with.
Thema and Mike get into her working definition of trauma, the difference between guilt and shame, and why so much people pleasing begins as a strategy for staying safe. Thema talks about being evacuated from Liberia as a teenager during a civil war, and the shift in her own identity after the death of her mother.
This conversation is also for the person doing well by every external measure who sees no reason to do any of this work. It is not that you need to, Thema says. It’s that you deserve to.
In this conversation, you’ll learn:
- Thema’s working definition of trauma, and why the word rare was taken out of it
- The difference between guilt and shame, and what shame does to a relationship
- Why so much people pleasing starts as a strategy for staying safe
- What she looks for in a healthy relationship: authenticity, mutuality, and the agreed upon covenant
- How to tell a hard truth without using honesty as cover for being harsh
- The weekly meeting, and why date night is not the place for it
- Glimmers, the counterpart to triggers, and how to give one
At one point, Mike asks her how we would lead differently if we knew what she knew. Thema’s answer is that you would not leave yourself behind.
Enjoy the conversation.
“If you knew what I knew, you would not leave yourself behind.” — Dr. Thema Bryant
Resources + Links
Dr. Thema Bryant’s Website: drthema.com
Dr. Thema Bryant’s Books: Matters of the Heart: Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You Love, Reclaim Yourself: The Homecoming Workbook, Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self, The Antiracism Handbook
Dr. Thema Bryant’s Podcast: The Homecoming Podcast with Dr. Thema (video version on YouTube, audio on Spotify and Apple Podcasts)
Mentioned in this conversation: Dr. Lisa Miller’s research on spirituality as a protective factor for mental health. Her Finding Mastery episode: The Psychology of Spirituality | Dr. Lisa Miller. Her book: The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life.
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